(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
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People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
That’s no pocket rocket.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead