Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
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I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
This line from Airplane.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape