Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
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Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
quarantine day 3
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Good boy 😂😂
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)