Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
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[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!