got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
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I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.