3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
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i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.