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bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..