friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
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JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.