Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
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My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
mentally somewhere in italy
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again