Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
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Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*