At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
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Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
They did not think through this water fountain
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce