I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
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ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.