I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
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[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers