her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
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Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
This can never not be funny 😭😭
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.