When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
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You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Scream sneezers need love too.