[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
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not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Get in loser we’re going crying
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?