Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
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Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Our lord and savoury.