Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
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Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
I hope it’s French Onion!
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!