9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
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[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Cool shirt 🙂
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.