Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
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Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?