Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
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Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.