VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
You Might Also Like
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.