BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
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Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*