I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
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Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
I pray every night that I never become religious…
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.