Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
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You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
WTF IS THAT!
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)