I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
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Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.