My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
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Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.