“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
You Might Also Like
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.