My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
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bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
#parenting
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Me trying to reach for my goals
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Can Happiness buy money?
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.