ME (calling my horse with no name):
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Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower