I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
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genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’