Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
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“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Festive toon…
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.