The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
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I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Just a reminder, folks:
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?