I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
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If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
LOOOOOOL
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra