It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
You Might Also Like
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
I’m being attacked 😭
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*