fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
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The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”