Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
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You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
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[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.