Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
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You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.