I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
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When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS