How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
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robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.