Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
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Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
What even happened today?
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.