me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
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“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more