Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
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Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry