[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
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Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Sex so good you see dead people.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
LOL!
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate