One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
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Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means