“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
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I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Raisins are grape jerky.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.