[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
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there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Oh thanks BBC.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
Canadian owl: Eh?
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.