Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
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“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Cat is stressing him out.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road