people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
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Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Always
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
#MeanwhileinCanada
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.