A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
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Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Meow
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.